I am gonna tell this story and my brother is probably gonna kill me if he ever reads it. He doesn’t know I blog yet but maybe one day I’ll tell him. Anyway, he went through this phase when he was about in 3rd grade where he wanted a Cabbage Patch doll. You’re probably thinking why is a 8 or 9 year old boy wanting a doll. But you don’t understand, we are talking about a Cabbage Patch Doll and this is the early 80’s. And if you were around you remember. If you are too young to remember, ask your mother or grandmother. They remember. They probably beat somebody down at the mall to get you one. Everybody wanted one of these things. White, black, young, old, rich or poor. They were the hottest thing out there. Think about the I- phone madness and lines but with waaay more madness. I mean, I think people were killed for these dolls. For real.
So my best friend and neighbor Princess gets a coveted Cabbage Patch doll and what does she do? She brings it over to show off (cough, uh excuse me), I mean show her new doll. This did nothing but fuel my brother’s desire to have one of these things. Me, I could have given two cents. I didn’t understand all the hoopla and if you ever saw one you might understand. This one was named “Olivette Agnes” according to her birth certificate. I can’t believe I remember the name. She had the standard fat, cherub like hard plastic face (okay they were kinda cute), yellow yarn hair which was looked like a short, nappy afro and stamped across her butt was the name Xavier Roberts. Princess even had a diaper on ole Olivette. Follow me, I am taking you somewhere with this:)
So fast forward maybe a few months. My mother got a call from our school stating my brother had missed some days of school. My concerned mother and angry Marine father (oh I have tons of material on him) interrogate me about this. Being the oldest, I was supposed to provide the answers and explanations whenever something went down. But I was stumped on this one. I told my parents I was as confused as they were. I mean, he got on the school bus with me everyday. So my parents did what any concerned parents would do, they set my brother up. They got up like any regular day, let us go off to school, they went to work but…they decided to pop up at the house around lunch time. Busted. Little Mr. Man was at the house. So my parents are quite upset. They go off on my brother and tell him he better get to school everyday. Everything is back to normal until the phone bill comes. Over $300!! (remember it’s the 8O’s). My grandma lived almost 2 hrs away in LA but only a few of the calls were long distance to her. The bulk of the calls were to Georgia. Georgia!! We didn’t know anybody in Georgia.
Dad: “Who are all these calls to in Georgia?”
Mom: “He told me he was calling looking for Cabbage Patch dolls.”
Dad: “In Georgia, what the…”
Mom: “That’s where Xavier Roberts lives.”
Dad: “Who the hell is Xavier Roberts?”
Mom: “The man whose name is on the dolls booty, he is the man who makes the dolls.”
Dad: “What about these calls to LA?”
Mom: “He was calling to speak to Janet.”
Dad: “Who the hell is Janet?”
Mom: “You know.. the dark haired girl on Three’s Company.”
(crickets)
Dad the Marine. Who screams in the faces of troops all day for a living. Puts the phone bill down. Doesn’t say a word and goes into the bedroom and closes the door.
True story.
My brother had ditched school to call around the country looking for Cabbage Patch dolls. He had called information, located a number to Babyland General Hospital which was in Cleveland, Georgia and is home to Xavier Roberts the inventor of the Cabbage Patch dolls. You have to admit, he was pretty clever for a kid in the 3rd grade and determined. My mother questioned him about the calls to LA. He admitted he had been calling ABC studios several times a day asking to speak to “Janet”. In essence stalking Joyce DeWitt, the actress on Three’s Company. He said he asked to speak to “Jack” too but he wasn’t around. He swore that he kept calling and one day she got on the phone to explain she was working but would send a picture. He even said she called him Sweetie. We were huge fans of the show and watched every episode. I wanted to believe my brother but this just seemed too far fetched. He was normally a pretty good kid but ditching school and now lying about talking to “Janet”. This was going too far.
A few weeks later an autographed photo of “Janet” um Joyce DeWitt came to the house. It had his name and said something about hugs and kisses and was signed. My mom, Dad the Marine and I all sat with our mouths open, scratching our heads. My brother, with a smile on his face; part satisfaction, part I told you so, took his autographed photo of “Janet” walked past us and went to hang it on his bedroom wall. We all sat looking at each other. Crickets.
And in case you’re wondering. My brother eventually got a Cabbage Patch doll. He was a little bald, African American baby. I’m sorry, Black baby (remember it’s the 80’s). My brother named him Sidney.
